Porn Discussion?

[cruiscin_lan]

I was thinking after scanning several sex-related polls last night about what makes good porn and what makes bad porn. I wonder if there's a way to objectively measure what smut is good and what smut is bad, regardless of whether it's het, slash, femslash. A lot of the conversation in the polls last night had to do with vocabulary. That's a good place to start, I think, because what one person finds acceptable another might find obscene, and there's always the risk of overusing certain words. But I think that's only part of the debate.

There's content, too. For example, some people will completely steer clear of fics that are slash, or het, or certain pairings, and you can't blame them for that, just like some people prefer their smut vanilla and others like it extra-kinky. But these are preferences, and thus subjective.

One way of objectively measuring any fic is by its technical execution - proper use of spelling, grammar, etc. This applies to porn writing, certainly - after all, the sentence "I had to help my uncle, Jack, off a horse" means something completely different without proper comma usage and capitalization.

There's always the "I'll know it when I see it" argument, but that's so amorphous in definition that it's not very helpful. Maybe there isn't a way to judge porn subjectively, and I've wasted my time in this discussion.

No, wait, I haven't completely wasted my time today. In fact, while I was mulling all this over at work, I came up with a smut fic meme, to bide my time before heroes_exchange assignments go out.

I came up with a list of horrible porny titles today at work. Comment with a number (one through ten) and a character/pairing/threesome/whatever and I'll write a paragraph or short excerpt of porn based on the title.

Note: Only Heroes, plzkthnx. Feel free to take and adapt if you please :).

Here is the list:

1. Peanut Butter Jelly Time


2. The Poophole Loophole
   
3. The Thrust of His Lust


4. A Dignified Rodgering


5. Boffing Austerely
   
6. Funky Chicken
   
7. Juice for Jelly
   
8. Give the Dog a Bone


9. Parallel Parking


10. A Visit to the Netherlands

Also, here's my new favorite story.

Comments

[dragynflies.livejournal.com]

#8. Mr. Muggles and Turtle.

Okay, okay, I'm kidding.


I want 4. Nathan/Elle. You might need...accessories or something. Whatever. ;)

"A Dignified Rodgering" - Nathan/Elle

[cruiscin-lan.livejournal.com]

They were the pinnacle of propriety, even in the bedroom. Impeccably dressed in his three-piece suit, Nathan undid the front of his pants in such a way so as not to wrinkle the fabric. Elle, for her part, knelt on the lush covers of the bed and hiked her designer skirt and slip to her waist, then leaned forward, presenting her buttocks to him while on all fours. Nathan approached her, putting one hand on her waist. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him.

"I'm going to bugger you in the behind now, if you don't mind," he said, gently tugging at her underwear.

"Why yes, please," Elle replied. "I would like that very much."

Re: "A Dignified Rodgering" - Nathan/Elle

[dragynflies.livejournal.com]

Man, and that's so how Nathan probably has sex. Just add "Tracy" instead of Elle, LOL.

"Give the Dog a Bone" - Mr. Muggles/Turtle

[cruiscin-lan.livejournal.com]

"Look, Daddy, they're playing!" Noah laughed, grabbing the hem of his mother's skirt as he tried to get her attention.

Gabriel's eyes followed the direction his son was pointing to. There was Mr. Muggles, enthusiastically humping the domed shell of Matt Parkman's turtle. Gabriel gasped as he knelt down and covered the child's eyes. He'd always thought they should have gotten that dog neutered.

Re: "Give the Dog a Bone" - Mr. Muggles/Turtle

[dragynflies.livejournal.com]

You're sick, you know that?

Yeah, but sort of made of win too.

Re: "Give the Dog a Bone" - Mr. Muggles/Turtle

[hushushalibi.livejournal.com]

OMFG YES
HAHHAHAHAA